Reborn

The day that has just passed is the anniversary of my baptism 7 years ago. Here I am, sleepless, and my mind so full of things that have happened and are still happening. As I was lying down on my bed, listening to the rhythmic noise of a standing fan, a strange feeling of alienness overwhelmed me. Why am I here? Lying on an unfamiliar bed? Looking at an unfamiliar room? I questioned, even if so briefly, if the memories that I remember are real? Or are they my imagination? Maybe I am still 17 and lying down on my bed in Miri? 

If not for the iPad that I use to type this out, my room is pitch black, so black that even if I open my eyes I thought I didn't. Am I imagining things? Am I just too stressed? I don't know, yes, for a moment I doubted my own existence. Maybe I am trying to escape; escape from all these problems? I know that all these thoughts are just fleeting, and I will come to terms with reality when I wake up a few hours later. But that doesn't stop my irrational fears from taking hold of my emotions. I have to face them, I know they are lurking under the horizon of my consciousness, and will leap out at me when I am weak. I have to face them, because I want to be a stronger person, for those whom I care. 

But it is just so hard. So. Hard. When you feel like you haven't done anything in all these years, when you are accused that you have not achieved much, when you felt like you are battling against the darkness alone. I feel like giving up, and just let it all go. What is the point of continuing when no one sees what you are doing? What is the point of doing all that I am only to be ridiculed and misunderstood, constantly being reminded of what I've done wrong in the past and being condemned for it? What wrong has those around me do that they have to bear the consequences of my actions?

I have run out of my own strength. I have run out of my own wisdom. I am now stepping into the realm of the Unknown. I can only hold on to faith. My Heavenly Father, at times I wonder if You are just my imagination when I fail to cope with my problems. But I know one thing for sure, that I am not so strong and wise as to come out with such an idea that is so perfect. I know You not through my imagination, but through the Word that You have passed down to so many other children of God over the generations. I know You not through my follies, but through all the absurdities that brought about life on Earth. I know You not because You have given me much, but because You have been with me through all the important moments in my life. 

O Holy Spirit, I know You are here. You said stay close to You, You said listen to You. Here I am. I surrender.