Such beautiful music.
Each note resonated within me.
I looked out, sipping my tea.
Night like this.
I pondered.
At the speed of light.
I wandered through the times past.
Kiddo. Grow up!
Abrupt. So much to do.
No. Don't tear me away.
I can't bear it anymore.
Not another change. No.
It is night like this, I get to spend my time looking at the sky beyond, and I feel alive.
It is night like this, with pen and paper, I scribbled the beatings of my soul.
Come, I am bringing you into the world not unlike anyone's, yet uniquely different.
Come, meet me.
I hated myself.
I didn't understand why am I different now. Why am I no longer the adorable, innocent little boy loved by everyone? Part of me was stuck inside the soul of a 5 year old, a 5 year old that hated me, disgusted at the darkest thoughts of my mind. CAN"T YOU BE NORMAL?! He screamed at me. Tears streamed down. Normal? What is normal?
So many times I woke up, look at the ceiling, then realized it is different. There is no purple ceiling fan creaking away. I thought I am used to it already, since I moved so much as a child, and I moved so much while I am here. Little did I know, I am looking for a normal. I hated change. I hated it. I hated how it take away things I am familiar with, things I love, people I cared, toys that went missing. No one knows that I was paranoid about losing stuff. I couldn't bear losing anything anymore. I wanted to keep everything the same, as long as I can. The only way I could remain the same with all the changes in life, is to remain separated from people. So I became a good guy in everyone's eyes so I can get along with people. But I dared not love. I was afraid that I will lose again. So in its place, there was responsibility, I was very responsible, but that was it, I only interacted if I needed to. But somehow, I was still hurt. Somehow, disappointed.
I didn't know it. But I needed love.
You know it. No one knows. But You knew.
There is this part of my heart that I have kept away from You. Because it is painful to open. This time, You asked, can I come in? It is time. Reluctantly I turned the knob.
You embraced me. You sat and lit up a light, so bright, that I couldn't see myself. When I adjusted to the brightness, I see him. A me that is hurt and hiding, reluctant to look at both of us.
You showed me how I was angry at myself.
You showed me that You have replaced my corrupted mind with your glory, so I stood white as snow.
You took the broken pieces from his hand, and they are healed and made into a new heart.
You wipe away his tears.
You showed me to who I am now.
You showed me the love that I have kept away.
You showed me the trust that have been locked up.
You showed me that I handed the key to my joy to others, and locked myself inside. Refusing to let anyone to come in.
You showed me that I am capable of love. You held my hands, put with the hurting me. Touching him, I know I am released because of Your grace; I am rebuilt because of Your love; I am alive because You are alive.
My heart beats, and the 5 year old is released. He smiled the first time in 20 odd years of my life. Yes, I don't wake up to see the familiar purple ceiling fan creaking away at home, but now I wake up to see You. I wake up and now I know love.
Pa, this life will never be the same. Once I see the truth, once I feel Your love, I know I can never be the same. I may forget, but I pray that You remind me, I pray that I always remain soft in heart. I am alive, and I am not afraid. Bit by bit You revealed to me what held me back, bit by bit I trust in You in this journey. Love You. Good night.
