It has been a while since I last wrote a post.
I think for the two weeks I was away in Malaysia I just didn't think about writing a blog post, as my grandparents' house doesn't have internet connection. Then for the week that I came back I also didn't really arrange for a time to sit down and write down my thoughts.
Ever since I came here to study, I have always wanted to head back to Malaysia, or specifically Sarawak. Although it has been 6 years, I still feel like I live in a foreign land, albeit a familiar foreign land. There was once a period of time when I wanted to stay here in Perth, but maybe not for the right reason that's why I had a tension in my heart that says I should be back to Malaysia. So, I decided to head back to Malaysia after I graduate. But, sometimes God just shows His way when you have decided something for yourself. This time I decided to not listen to my own passion but to stay as I was clear God has called for me to stay further after I graduated.
Here I am, I realise how God has brought me step by step so far. He placed me here as a supervisor over university cell leaders, and brought me to mission trip, letting me experience His faithfulness again and again although my finances are tight. Slowly, I understand one thing: passion in heart will die away. I may be passionate about something for a certain time of my life, but when God is not in it, I shouldn't pursue it. God wants me to have a relationship with Him rather than to do things for Him (well, that doesn't negate me from doing things because I have relationship with Him). This time around, when I went back to Malaysia, I was quite surprised I didn't have that 'passion' anymore, then I realised God has led me to see that part of that 'passion' is really hatred towards the governing class of Malaysia, and if hatred is involved in any revolution/change of society, there is always an ugly result.
I am afraid, however. I am afraid of losing that answer of something I can do or the answer of sounding grand in what I should do. Then God reminded me of the experience of going against the crowd again. I am to be standing still in the midst of a current that will push me backwards, and He will lead me. I don't need to fake it and tell people where I go next, I just have to testify of God's faithfulness on where He has led me to and trust in His guidance of the next step. Slowly, God shows me that, in fact, my life now here in Perth is His mission trip for me. The only reason I am staying is because He has called me to this ministry, and He has provided everything else - an income, and a place to stay, and He takes care of my family.
I may still find it hard to tell others of what am I planning next or what am I doing now, but I will slowly learn to let go of my fears and be released to do what God has in store for me. No matter what happens, there is one thing I know I can be sure of - that is my life is to be a service to Him who gave me life, as He gave up His on the cross. That is not the most assuring life for me, not the most stable life for me, but through God's eyes, that is the best life for me because He plans it and oversees me.
