This post will be quite emotional. I have decided to share my feelings out here 'cause I know I am not the only one who felt/is feeling/will feel the same way. It may make you feel uncomfortable, so be warned, your perfect image of me may be shattered, but I know I am not perfect and it is useless to try to be perfect.
It has been for a couple of months. I have felt quite stressed and depressed. I don't know why. Little things annoy me - like housemates leaving stuff in the sink and didn't clean up kitchen after cooking, or friends asking questions for obvious answers if they bothered to look it up, or being asked to change the radio channel at work. I know something is wrong. I don't know what and I don't have the time to find it out. I prayed. Nothing. Working five days a week and spending most of my other time in ministry, leaves me the only option - put on a mask, soldier on, pretend there is nothing.
But really, that's the worst option. I could have talked to someone but I just couldn't bring myself to. I became rebellious. I know I need to do things but I just don't want to do it until the very last minute. I find it difficult to talk to people without holding myself back from shouting at them, as I am frustrated by all the perceived 'stupid' choices they make. I know something is wrong. So I talked less and less, and I don't know how to listen without getting all worked up in me.
I am sure it is not work stress. Although there are times when certain clients will annoy me when they demand things last minute and expect instant drawing amendments, I can deal with it as day goes. But I sense that it starts to hurt my relationship with God as I withdrew from Him; every time I open the Bible, I felt I know all these but why am I still feeling awful. So I spent more and more time in playing mobile games, in reading comics online, and watching movies/short clips. Still. Running away doesn't help, and it is worse as now I have the real stress of leaving stuff till last minute.
I realised I need to put a stop to this, when I was canoeing on the lake on a recent road trip. It was serene. Calm. But I have the fear that I might topple over any time. Then it dawned upon me that it might be fear. A fear of change. A fear of no permanence. A fear of walking the wrong path.
So many of my friends and relatives have walked in and out of my life. And, comparing that feeling of losing them with the feeling of losing a car/money, losing any property is so much more trivial, especially if that someone meant a lot. But even feelings change although some last much longer. How do I know what I can depend on? I guess that is why I am advised to build up my career (and I am doing that step by step), but I am not yet earning enough to be planning to even buy a car. Every time I tell people yeah I am working five days a week now, they sort of assume I am doing pretty well financially. Not necessary, I have just started that five-day week and there are debts that I had to pay which just surfaced. I want to earn more, move jobs, but I want to grow in my capacity too. There are offers of higher earnings - but with a relatively less challenging job, offering less opportunity to grow, so I have to convince myself to stay. So with a less earning and no promise of a higher pay soon, am I spending too much time and money on things that are not important?
And, that's just one aspect. Even if I have a lot of money - security doesn't come unless there is financial investment isn't it? But I am torn - why? Between working more and spending more time with people. Sometimes I feel like spending more hours at work - get a bit more income so I can be financially secure earlier, but I also know that people matters in my life, and time is the greatest gift I can give someone. I don't mind spending time with people, but it just hurts when friends leave for good or bad reasons. It is a dilemma in my life, coming from the fear of being alone again.
So I have gone a full round. From the spark of fear that created the feeling to withdraw, to the realisation of this fear of change and walking the wrong path, to the dilemma of working to build my career and spending time with people who are important to me; now I am still on the lake, with a fear of toppling over (although there is life vest, I can't swim myself to shore).
I cry. I wonder what keeps me alive. The air I breathe and the water I drink. I change. People change. The world changes. I need to find a permanent refuge. Something I can hold on to. I am reminded, on what I found to be the most consistent teachings of all the worldviews - the Christian God.
In these times when I feel like dropping all I am doing and just cry and get rid of the heavy feeling in my chest, I know I can cry out to Him. He is out of time and space, and yet He allows Himself to be confined by time and space when God the Son came as Jesus. What greater love than this? To live knowing you will die, and yet love, so we know we need to repent. I am reminded of being the Salt and Light. I am reminded that I have different priorities because of You. Whatever I thought I want - is just that- what I want, not what I need. I shall continue, persistently, and let go of my wants and the need to identify with most people. I may feel down again sometime in the future 'cause this path is hard in human terms, but hey, I am not perfect remember?
There is only one thing that I want to live for: Touch my heart. and you know I am beating for You, Father.
This is a post to remind myself. And to tell you who have felt the same things before/experiencing them now, that there is One who loves and will take care of you as you live for Him. Change is a reality, but His love is permanent.
