A lot of things have been going through my mind recently. For a while I have been thinking, what is my weakness? I have refused to sit down and think through all my problems, thinking if I just let God deal with it then it is all fine. But, I didn't really submit them to God, I am letting my emotions control me, my desire for approvals control me. I have been saying "God, deal with this problem" but I have not listened and talked to Him about it.To my disgust, I realised I have put on masks when I talk to some people. Why can't I be honest? Maybe so people won't see that I am weak. I am not all strong and wise and running around talking life into people because I am not God. I am not the holiest creature. Every now and then, I am torn apart by the desire to succeed in professional life don't care about God's family, and the solemn truth that harvest is plenty and yet workers are few; I don't want to see someone live their lives like a zombie.
But, no matter where I go and how I feel, God has been faithful. He promised in Psalm 139:11-12 that even when darkness hid me, He permeates the darkness and is light to me. On Sunday, during altar call, I say "God, I am here. Send me." And a heavy burden comes into my heart - these are the words: It will be a hard road ahead. You sure? I couldn't help it but to realise I have to stand firm in Christ. All that I am comes from Him and I can only depend on Him.
Then, I was watching the background to the lyrics playing during O2Youth Retreat yesterday. It was of fireworks falling down and splashing onto a surface and go off. I was reminded of the fireworks that I saw on the night I went to Perth Royal Show. That was the first time I watched the fireworks there. And yesterday as I see drop after drop of fire fall and burn out, I see the lives of many like the beautiful fireworks falling, yet all hitting the end and gone into darkness. I couldn't help but to say to God again, why have You gone down the hard road Yourself? He said because He loves, and His light doesn't dissipate into darkness, but continues to light up the darkness.
As I go through the series that Passion4Jesus have been doing in cell, I am reminded of the Jesus I never knew. Jesus Christ came. From the infinite being to be a finite human. From perfect relationship with God the Father to crying out "My God why have You forsaken me". To be born in a carpenter's home, raised up in a political unstable country, and yet, He brings joy to the people around Him, sat down and talk to those who think they are unworthy, brought repentance and salvation to those who chose to believe Him. Taking on the form of a human, He knows my worries, my temptations and fears.
My Father in Heaven, You know my fears and my worries. Not a drop of tears and tinge of struggle is wasted. You are constant. You are love. You are light. I can be me because You have set me free.
