Birds chirping. There was some light seeping out of the edges of the curtain. Pulled it open. Beautiful blue sky. Beautiful pale pink flowers on tree. Beautiful Saturday morning. Just God and I.
But it wasn't always like this. Just as there are times of thunder and storm, there are times that I felt so weighed down by this sense of loneliness that I refused to see the people around me. I'm sort of 'psychoanalysing' myself now, after what God has revealed through yesterday's sharing about Alone & Loneliness.
As one of the leaders in ministry, I experienced what I call the Leader's Symptom, lol, that's when everyone think of you as a leader, but I don't know if any think of me as a brother, a friend. Through a recent sickness, I realised I am actually quite badly affected by loneliness. Then I realised that I depended too much on other's attention. That's not to say I don't need any attention, but I hinged my emotions on what others do to me (or don't do to me).
Expressing my feelings to God, will be my first step. Encouraged by what our ministry leader and a guest parent of our members shared, I felt understood. After cell group, having talked to two of my friends, I was affirmed of why God has placed me here. Then, in the car, just God and I, I decided to leave my burdens behind, and God showed me where I was and where I am now, the deep part of my inner longings; the fear, the pulling back, the false security, the rebounding control of others, the cynical attitude. Then, I was hit by an emotion. Like a train crashing onto my heart, it is unstoppable. There is intimacy, love, compassion. I don't quite know how to describe it as I felt. I know, Holy Spirit, that it is You who wants to affirm me.
Give a hug to your leaders, or rather, your brothers and sisters who took up the call of leadership. Give a hug to your friends. Day in, day out, you might be so well acquainted but actually felt so lonely as you try to hide your feelings and try not to face it. Take it first to God, tell Him. And, as you have known His comfort, share it with others, from heart to heart.
Who else understand abandonment? Who else understand betrayal? Who else understand separation? Your love has won it all, You took the fall to embrace my sorrows. Turn my eyes to see Your face, the tears streaking face. Hold my heart within this grace, as I thought I am unworthy for Your embrace.
I will fight to follow.
Love is war.
