I was the outlier. I did well in my studies, I helped friends in studies, I tried to play sports, I followed rules, but somehow I still felt lonely, especially when the world seems to be at odds with me; for one instance, almost everyday after my Form 1 school days, I had to cross this pedestrian bridge to walk back home. As it was also the time this other school was off, there were literally swarms of students walking in the opposite direction. So, there was me, tiny Form 1 kid, wearing a different school badge, walking against this current of students, some of them mocked at my school (my school was named 'Kampung', meaning village), saying the village boy is here. I've never thought that this will be significant, but the fact that I remembered the experience clearly, shows that it has left an impression upon my heart. Maybe that time I was thinking, forever I shall be alone.
Those who transferred school and moved house a lot will identify with this experience, I never had the chance to make long term friends. In the days where we used snail mail and house phones to keep in touch (Bintulu wasn't exactly the best place for internet technology), it was rather hard to keep a friendship when you are facing new environment each time. I learned to be contempt just by myself, often doing things to amuse myself, like stacking pens together (I still do , but that doesn't mean I am lonely now ^,^).
Maybe these are why I really treasured my relationship with God. I looked back. Ever since I prayed to do well in studies, I have done well. I was blessed with committed teachers, good family and friends. Even the experience of walking against a current now has a new meaning to me. Even though I walked alone, I know God is with me. There are times when I feel the world is against me, but God assured if I am following His words, I shall persevere and glorify Him. It is love that I don't know how to describe, but something like what I wrote during service today:
"Beautiful mountains, capped with pure white snow; great blue lakes, luscious green plains. Your wonderful creation take my breath away, your splash of colours in every sunset stops my heart, and as I gaze upon the stars in the vast universe, I am sure of your promises. How great thou art. I will not lean unto my own understanding, but to depend on your wisdom."
Because of love, it puts an inexpressible sorrow in my chest when I hear about problems of churches, of the Christian community in Curtin University, of the society we are living in. There are people who I call brothers and sisters facing these problems, and I felt so helpless to do anything and see certain things fall apart. I cannot comprehend when someone says love and yet leave the others to the problems. I am not perfect myself, but by the grace of God we are all accepted as His children. It is really hard to settle down, and look into my heart through the mirror of God's words. It shows those times I was not sincere, those times I was selfish, those times I tried to solve problems by myself. However, I thank you, Father for I can be still and know you are God. You provided salvation through coming down into a limited physical form, bound by time and space, and being separated from the perfect fellowship. I know you will bring victory upon your children, and we shall have faith in your promises.
As how my friend asked in his blog: Who are we? Followers of Christ? Or religious Pharisees? Let us be followers of Jesus, the one who sat down with the tax collectors and prostitutes and told them about the living water; and not the Pharisees, who condemned Jesus and are hypocritical.
What is love to you?
