A Prayer

It is awesome to wake up from a dream where I have scored 6 touch-downs! (although I never played American football)

When I woke up this morning, I just realized I haven’t dreamt for a long time. Why? I don’t know. I always enjoyed my quirky and fun dreams. But for the past month, I haven’t dreamt, or at least I don’t remember any dream. Each morning I woke up to a feeling that I am just here, and I had to face the world. I haven’t been able to face myself, and I have been running away from hard questions in life. I lost my interest in studying, I lost my focus in life, I just want to be with friends and not think about what I have got to do. Maybe because I have conflicts that I just don’t know how to resolve at the moment.

Yesterday, during cell leader’s training session, we watched a recorded session of John C. Maxwell’s talk on leadership. He posed the following questions, which I think are as hard to answer as any life’s difficult questions.

Am I investing in myself?  

Am I genuinely interested in others?

Am I doing what I love and loving what I do?

Am I investing my time with the right people?

Am I doing things that I do well?

Am I taking people to a higher level?

Am I taking care of today?

Am I taking time to think?

Am I developing leaders?

Am I pleasing God?

Then, Ziech talked about prayers. Quoting from him, “We pray, not because God answers, but because He tells us to pray.” As His children, we are to breathe in prayers, as we are all spiritual beings. There are 2 major challenges to a prayer life

• Tiredness of flesh

As Christians, we will most probably be physically-stretched more than a non-believer. There are a lot of things that we do for the love of Christ. But, all of us just have the same amount of time. That will mean we have to cut down on some activities that we always do but are not important. There are temptations, but we can always face them and not sin by drawing close to our Father.

• Tiredness of soul

It is different from what spiritually tired is, for we have a new spirit once we accepted Christ, the regenerative Holy Spirit. We can be emotionally and intellectually tired. It is hard for us to love all the time, as we are imperfect beings. However we can always learn from Jesus, what he did when he was ministering to crowds day and night? He withdrew constantly into prayers. There are expectations that the society, family & friends and even fellow believers add upon our shoulders. But, we are reminded that we only need to take up one yoke, His yoke. This yoke is different for all of us, for we are specially created for God’s purpose on Earth.

These questions and issues sank down in the bottom of my heart during the day. I slept. I think. I did some work. I went out with friends and saw a bright moon laying down its light as a blanket on the Swan River. Later at night, I finally decided to just have a cup of tea, and sat out in the balcony. Looking far into the horizon, and a deep blue night sky filled with stars, I prayed.

“Father, you are the creator of this world. Who am I to doubt you? There have been a lot of things going on, and I lost my security from you. Suddenly I am gasping for air in the midst of turbulent ocean of life.

From young, you have been with me. You have blessed me with a good heart of understanding, so that I can spend less time studying. You have blessed me with good teachers, so that I can learn more in class. You have blessed me with supportive parents, so that I don’t need to worry about life at home. I have all my extra time reading, and finding one truth. Since young, I am curious. I learnt about astrology, both western and eastern; I learnt about Tarot cards and various ways of card-readings; I learnt about different religions and their world views; I learnt about how the laws of the universe work. I always know that there is a God, but I don’t know you personally yet.

I prayed when I have exams, every exam. I prayed when I liked a girl. I prayed when I argued with my siblings, but I don’t know you yet. My thoughts became clearer as I grew into late teen, that only one way is true. If I am to believe, there is only one way of life, and I am blessed with your children around me who led me to you. However, I have not committed my life, as I worked from my own strength, and I thought I achieved what I set out for, a good result in SPM, and will be getting scholarship from the government. I failed, miserably, didn’t even get a chance for interview. And yet, you showed me a way to a tuition-fee-free A-level, and led me to where I am studying now, under a full scholarship.

I struggled when I started architecture. I always thought architecture is about science and design, but it never is. I broke down often, by my own, and felt lonely. I tried to find happiness in relationship, but it did not work, and I was away from you. Yet again, you were there for me.  I came back to you, realizing how much I have changed since then. You showed me that I was a judgmental Christian with my own sense of justice and I was proud with my ability to study. I was broken down in my pride, so that I don’t depend on it. You held me, and I know what love is. For so many years, this is the first time I sensed the Holy Spirit. And, I was on fire.

Father, after the past summer holiday, I became burdened with what the society expects. I have the heart for service in bringing people a better life, but I don’t know what to do. I started to look at how to become a successful architect and thought by earning big bucks I can have a better chance to help people. Little I know, I am being crushed under these yokes, and I grew tired. Far in future life, I won’t know about it yet, but I trust that you are going to be with me every step of the way. You gave me a vision for everyone to have a comfortable place to live in, no matter how poor they are. You gave me a vision to travel around and help those in need, especially in need for shelter. But I ignored them. I am burdened with the thought of the loan that I have to repay once I graduate because I need to pay rent and all other expenses here, so I thought about earning money. Sorry Father, I forgot how I am here now. I know you are there for me.

Father, after talking to you, the heaviness in heart came out as tears rolled down my cheeks. You have given me the understanding, I just need to put together the pieces of information that I need for each assignment, and not run away from them. You have blessed me with friends that I want to spend my free time with. I may only have 24 hours like anyone else, but I have you by my side with all your wisdom. I can’t meet the needs for everyone, but I can match the need with where they can find it, and most of us need you.”

That is my prayer, extended into this morning as I prayed again. I realized, that orientation is one way of serving, as we are far from the comfort of home, and we can be lonely, and have a lot issues we need to deal with by ourselves. So, these needs are there, but do we care enough? In this regard, I see a picture of a home, with people from different places accommodated, and we share meals, share life, share happiness and sorrows together. Let no one be lonely.

Life is never smooth, but I will overcome each of the challenges. And, yes I do feel lonely at times, needing-a-partner-in-life-kind of lonely, but I shall wait till the right time, for I’m looking for a life partner who can grow together in Christ and serve together (yes, this is an advertisement \(>.<)/ blek…)

I have been blessed to day, as I heard an awesome message in church today. It’s about God’s love.

• God’s love does not condemn.

We always hear people around us judging, and I myself have judged in many instances. But who are we to judge? His love does not condemn. He loves everyone for we are His loved children. I can be free in Him.

• God’s love never disappoints.

We live in fear, and we don’t dare to embrace our destiny, but His love conquers everything. When we take charge, we are afraid of all the ‘what if’s, but when we let God take charge, we can be sure that His love is assuring.

• God’s love brings miracles in life.

As we let go of our control in life, we free up our life for God to do wonderful things. We free up our life for all the unimaginable blessings.

It is great to be encouraged during times of need.